Not now, not ever
by Sam the ham sandwich
Summary: Logan was never going to return his feelings. Not now, not ever. Dalton!verse. Julian/Logan.


**Not now, not ever**

* * *

_It was a dream like any other dream. Logan had him trapped. Julian was pressed against the wall, kissing Logan the way he's always wanted, Logan giving him the kisses he's hungered for a long. It was bliss._

"_But what about Blaine?" Logan's voice asked, husky, his breath hot against Julian's skin. That question, however, caught him off guard. What was that about?_

"_What do you mean, about Blaine?" The movie star said between kisses, wondering why the curly haired soloist was brought up. Logan's eyebrows shot up, but he didn't move away._

"_I thought you loved him." Logan's lips were now exploring, down Julian's jaw, to his neck, savoring every inch of skin he could. The other boy gave a soft moan before replying, "I never loved Blaine…" That part confused him. How could Logan think he loved Blaine? He continued, "It's always been you."_

_Hearing that, Logan kissed harder, rougher, as if all he needed was that confirmation._

"_I love you Kurt." Logan whispered, and Julian's heart broke. He realized what was wrong._

_Julian's hand flew to his hair. It was soft, and the color. It was unmistakably Hummel's. This body, the body Logan was kissing, it wasn't Julian's. It was Kurt's._

_Everything suddenly felt wrong. These kisses, they weren't his. They never were, and they never will be. Logan loved Kurt, and that was that._

_Logan kept kissing Juli—Kurt. He was passionate, and gentle, but it was a side of him Julian would never experience. The actor tried to pull away, but he couldn't. He was trapped. Logan was suffocating him. Julian just couldn't break free._

_Of his embrace. Of these feelings. Of himself._

_

* * *

_

Julian's eyes shot open. Moonlight seeped into his room, illuminating the sweat that dripped down his face. His heart threatened to beat right out of his chest.

Silence. That's what he heard, but he wished it was the same inside his head. Everything was muddle, confusing. Heavy breathing but through this, and it took him a few seconds to realize he really was suffocating. Tangled in blankets, he practically jumped out of his bed, trying to free himself.

He had to leave. He had to go.

A half-packed suitcase sat on the floor, and clothes were strewn all over the room. He was so tired of everything last night he didn't find it in his heart to pack. That's changed now.

Julian couldn't have moved faster. Clothes were folded and stuffed at the speed he didn't think was possible. In less than half an hour's time, he was ready to do. His watch said it was five AM. Not too early to call his chauffeur.

He pushed a button on his cellphone and said quickly, "Hello? Could you pick me up? Yes, now please. Thank you." Shoving his phone into his pocket, he walked out.

* * *

Despite his frustration, at himself, and at the world, he tried not to make any noise. He knew some of his housemates would still be studying. All he could do was hope no one was studying by the front door. The last thing he wanted was for all of Stuart to find out he was leaving.

But at the bottom of the stairs, a flash of blonde caught his eye. _Shit._

Logan was there, with messy and ruffled hair, still wearing pajamas. A cup of coffee was in his hand. As beautiful as ever.

Their eyes locked, and Julian wished with all his heart he was back in his room.

"Where're you going?" Logan seemed genuinely curious. It's not every day Julian Larson rushes out of Dalton with a suitcase this early.

Those dream kisses, those feelings, they came rushing back. Julian swallowed the lump in throat.

"Away."

Logan took a sip of his coffee. "Got another movie to shoot?" The adrenaline rush that got Julian this far was fading. He was almost thought he was losing his composure.

But Julian? Lose his composure? Nonsense.

"Yeah. I'm taking that big role I've been offered." Julian can't be weak, especially not now. He needed to get away.

"And you thought you could leave without saying goodbye?" Logan joked. A jab of pain shot through Julian's chest.

"That's what I hoped." Julian tried to keep up the light mood, but his voice came out aloof, indifferent, like he really wanted to leave Dalton without another word. And he kind of did.

Derek's voice rung in his ears.

_You're running away again?"_

"Well, you're here now. At least say goodbye to me?" Julian sighed. This was hopeless.

"Fine. Goodbye, Logan." He said, trying to add a bit of contempt to his voice. Logan just smiled.

"Much better."

A pause. For a few seconds Julian just stared at the blonde, wondering what it would feel like when these feelings were finally gone. Logan just sipped his coffee, and then asked.

"How long will you be gone?"

"What?" Julian can't—won't answer. He refused to.

"When will you come back?"

_Never_, Julian thought. I'm _running away, just like Derek said. Away from this, from you. Forever._

But he couldn't say that, not to Logan's face. Not now, not ever. Julian looked away.

Logan just asked again.

"Julian." Logan took a tiny step forward, placing his coffee on a nearby table. "When are you coming back?"

He can't take this anymore.

Julian picked up his bag and walked, brushing past Logan. He needs to leave, now, before his heart explodes and he explodes at Logan.

"Julian? Hey, wait." Logan grabbed his arm, making sure the actor had no choice but the stay put. Julian tried to pull free, but it was no use. Logan was stronger.

"Goddammit, Julian, at least answer me." It was obvious Logan didn't take his medication today. He tried to pull away again.

Logan turned Julian around, making the brunette face him. His bag fell to the floor. They were almost face to face, Julian's eye staring like he'd never get enough.

"Why can't you answer me?"

"Let go of me." Breathing heavily, he struggled, but he was tried and sweaty again.

"What's wrong?" Logan demanded. Julian had to be calm. Perfectly calm. He can't yell. Not now. His voice came out hoarse, like he was about to break, which he was.

"It's nothing."

"The hell it is!" Julian stared at him. He leaned away. Logan couldn't just _now _begin to care, not now that Julian finally found the strength to run.

Logan sighed, and he let go of Julian. The actor contemplated on running, but his feet were frozen in place. The most he could do was try and lean away.

The blonde took a deep breath.

"I know what messed up looks like, Julian, and you fit the bill." Logan was right. Julian's eyes were wide, with dark circles more than just a little bit prominent beneath them. Droplets of sweat were still running down his face.

He looked like he just stepped out of a nightmare, and he sort of did.

Logan could tell. Not as much as Julian hoped, but he knew something was bothering him. The actor sighed. Looking into Logan's eyes, he saw his own reflection. He saw the impossibility, the hopelessness. He couldn't stap.

"Let it go."

Was he talking to himself or to Logan? He didn't know. But Logan did catch something.

That look. Those eyes. There was something. Something he couldn't put his finger on, but it seemed like it's been there for a while.

"No." Logan said, as if it was the most obvious answer the world.

"Didn't think you actually cared." Julian said, picking up his bag off the floor and turning away. This was it. He was leaving. He couldn't turn back no—

That thought was cut by Logan's lips, literally. Hard and demanding, Logan's hands were holding the front of his shirt, pulling his closer. Julian couldn't think straight. What was happening? Why the hell did Logan just—_Oh my god, is Logan really kissing me_—?

Almost as quick as it began, it ended. Julian was once again face to face with the boy he had loved for so long. The who only now showed interest.

His timing sucks, doesn't it?

Logan just stared, wondering what the hell came over him. He didn't love Julian. He loved Kurt. Maybe the thought of one of his only friends leaving made him desperate, clingy, and maybe even a bit deranged, but that couldn't be changed.

Julian didn't change his mind.

With one last look, the actor ran out The Stuart House's door.

With one last look, Logan knew it was a lost cause.

And Julian knew his dream wasn't meant to come true.

* * *

**There you go. My own Jogan fanfic :)**

**It's not the best, and not the worst. **

**Critique is appreciated! :D**


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